Chapter Eleven -Courage Ain't Nothin' But Stupid Misspelled!

MISTER GUNN CALMLY CHARGED FORWARD, swinging his blade with deadly grace about his head.  He swung his sword at O.G.R.E., aiming for the giant robot's head.  Mister Gunn's aim was true -- with a single slash, he split the robot's head in two, as well as the rest of its mechanical body. Without even a mechanical whisper or gurgle, the useless carcass of O.G.R.E. fell to the ground in two twitching pieces.

The Android Princess Warriors from Neptune remained perfectly silent.

"There," said Mister Gunn, pointing triumphantly at Doctor Warlock, "fixed your wagon, didn't I?  Mind sending a bucket of bolts in here who can do something else besides die?"

Doctor Warlock blinked.  Slowly.  "I do not understand," he muttered sullenly.  "The Overkilling Gargantuan Robotic Exterminator is supposed to be the ultimate killing machine.  Did I switch the programming with the food processing machines again . . ?  Probably.  Blast."

Irritably, the Empress Cleopatronica tapped Doctor Warlock on the shoulder with one delicate finger.  "Another champion, if you don't mind?"  she said to Doctor Warlock.

"Beg pardon?"

"Before the human proclaims victory and makes you look like an even larger horse's rumpus than you already are," the Empress said sweetly, "can you send another champion into the arena?"

"Oh.  Sorry.  Right."  Doctor Warlock pulled a small silver device out of his leather armor.  He tapped a few buttons on the handheld contraption. "It hasn't been properly tested, but the Jagged Underground Gargantuan Universal Laser Atomic Terrorizing Omega Robot should prove adequate for the task," said Doctor Warlock.

"What will that one do?" the android Murdock asked acidly.  "Topple over and crush Mister Gunn when it dies?"

Doctor Warlock gave Murdock a glance that was filled with fire, but said nothing.

The arena floor rumbled.  An immense hole suddenly opened up near the wreckage of O.G.R.E., nearly knocking Mister Gunn off his feet.  A chrome, thin, man-sized robot leapt out of the hole, wielding a serrated blade in each hand.  Its chrome mouth was lined with a thousand silver needle teeth, and gleaming, jagged razors covered every inch of its armored arms and legs.  The new robot flashed a lethal smile, and then flew towards Mister Gunn, flailing its blades and arms in a whirlwind of death.  Mister Gunn barely managed to leap away from the charging robot's buzzsaw attack, almost catching a razor elbow in the skull as he dodged away from the mechanical menace.

Mister Gunn wiped sweat off of his forehead, keeping a wary eye on his lightning-fast opponent.  He noticed a thin trickle of blood mixed with his perspiration.  Two shallow cuts rested above his right eye, right where he'd almost been tagged by the robot's thrashing arm.

"Behold your death," called out Doctor Warlock.  "Behold the J.U.G.U.L.A.T.O.R."

"Behold this, buddy," said Mister Gunn, lashing out at the J.U.G.U.L.A.T.O.R. with his own sword.  The J.U.G.U.L.A.T.O.R. easily parried the attack, sent a shower of sparks into the air.  Mister Gunn slashed again and again at the evil serrated robot, but to no avail - each attack was successfully fended off.  The J.U.G.U.L.A.T.O.R. fought like a cocaine-addicted mongoose, and with each unsuccessful swipe of the sword, Mister realized that he might be in trouble.

"Having . . . problems?" Doctor Warlock asked, chuckling.

Mister Gunn didn't reply.  He ruefully looked down at his loincloth, wishing that he still had his suit, with its laser cufflinks and titanium-alloy necktie . . . and then it came to him.  He knew how to beat the J.U.G.U.L.A.T.O.R.

{{DIE, FOUL HUMAN,}} said the J.U.G.U.L.A.T.O.R., charging hard at Mister Gunn.  {{I WILL FLAY THE FLESH FROM YOUR BONES.}}

Mister Gunn ducked underneath a horde of razors as the J.U.G.U.L.A.T.O.R. passed by, then leaped high into the air, jumping high over the sweeping swords of the robot.  While in mid-air, Mister Gunn pulled a cigarette and his lighter out of his loincloth.  He lit the cigarette in mid-air, then threw the fiery, nicotine dart of death straight at the J.U.G.U.L.A.T.O.R. The cigarette nailed the evil razor-laden robot right in the optical sensors.  Howling in electronic pain, the J.U.G.U.L.A.T.O.R. dropped to its knees, its swords clattering uselessly to the ground.

{{MY EYES! MY EYES! OH, HOW IT BURNS!!}} screamed the J.U.G.U.L.A.T.O.R. Its mechanical voice was filled with agony and sorrow. {{PLEASE, OH MAKER, MAKE IT STOP! IT BURNS!}}

"Oh, you want it to stop, huh?" asked Mister Gunn.  He sauntered over the anguished homicidal robot, his sword gripped tightly in his hands.  "Then say your prayers, you overgrown barbershop barbarian.  Mister Gunn'll stop it . . . permanently."

"NO!!!" shouted Doctor Warlock, but it was far too late.  Mister Gunn raised his sword high above his head, and with a swift stroke he separated the steel skull of the J.U.G.U.L.A.T.O.R. from the rest of its body.  The monstrous robot let out a final scream of electronic torment before falling silent, its blade-ridden body twitching once, twice . . . then not at all.

Mister Gunn plucked his smoldering cigarette out of the J.U.G.U.L.A.T.O.R.'s electric eye.  "All right," he said, almost breathing hard, "who's next?"

"The deal is off," snapped the Empress, barely able to contain her rage. She pointed at the victorious Mister Gunn. "Android Princess Warriors . . . kill him."

The Android Princess Warriors stood in unison, thousands strong, leveling their weapons at Mister Gunn, putting his loincloth-clad body squarely in their cross hairs.

"Hey, wait a cotton-picking minute, sister," said Mister Gunn.  "You promised me the neutronical tiny-reactamathingy if I won.  What's this bunch of hooey?"

"I promised you the neutronium mini-reactor if you defeated our champion," said the Empress evenly.  "I also promised not to attack the Earth.  I said nothing about sparing your worthless life, Mister Gunn."

"Oh.  Right."  Mister Gunn grinned sheepishly at the Empress and her minions.  "Whoops.  Hey, why don't we just pretend I said something about getting to live, and I'll just skedaddle on out of here?"

"No," said Doctor Warlock.  "You shall die instead. Android Princess Warriors, ready . . ."

"Great," said Mister Gunn.  He took a long drag from his Lucky Strike. "Details, details, details.  Always the details that get you."

"Aim . . ."

"Well," said Mister Gunn, looking up towards the heavens, "at least it can't get any worse."

A sleek missile suddenly burst through the ceiling, rocketing straight towards Mister Gunn like a bat out of hell.  He could see a hammer and sickle painted on the nose of the oncoming missile, as well as the stenciled phrase MISTER GUNN - NYET!

"Thanks, Big Guy," Mister Gunn said to the heavens.  "You've got a great sense of irony, you know that?"

"FIRE!!!"

Previous episode: The Dark Wings of Destiny!
Next episode: It's a Wonderful Death!